2001-02-28 - The Welcome Al Gore Show
Furnald lawn, 12:00pm
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite Rupert Murdoch's presence, it's the most off-the-record band in the world, the Columbia University Marching apoplectic New York Post reporters!
[doo doo doo doo doo]
Featuring -
J. Professor Gore - likes affirmative action
J. Professor Gore - likes concession retractions
and J. Professor Gore - likes the mad coed action
[doo doo doo doo doo]
as well as Bush's Q rating on the way up, the tax rate on the way down, and the economy on the way to oblivion, the band now presents an all-star salute to "Covering National Affairs in the Information Age."
[who owns]
So far, Al Gore's short tenure as a visiting professor at Columbia has not been without controversy. Appearing on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno after his first lecture, he ripped the University on a number of different issues and called J-School Dean Tom Goldstein a "mole person." This comment provoked Spectator columnist Ben Letzler into writing an angry invective against the professor, in which he eruditely pointed out that the dean has few of the luxuries Gore enjoys. Gore responded in kind with his own Spec editorial in which he angrily rebuked Letzler's claims, stating that "Washington wenches have feelings too." Overall, however, Professor Gore is enjoying a number of the typical diversions practiced by first-year Columbians. After getting in trouble with campus security for scrawling "AD HOC 2001" in the Carman stairwell, he proceeded to get busy with Tipper on the 10th floor of the Butler stacks. "I've been having a great time," he exclaimed, "Check out this fake ID I got on Bleecker St! It looks so real, and it only cost me 40 dollars." The professor also seemed to be excited about the upcoming housing lottery. "I think I've found two Barnard girls to go in for a Claremont triple with," he commented, "The URH website says that life in Claremont can be a pleasant break from the everyday hustle and bustle of campus life.'" In honor of the hustle and bustle of campus life, the band now forms the line at Cafe 212 and plays "Wait on Me."
[Entire Band forms single file line, plays Take on Me]
In the press, however, the professor's exploits have been largely upstaged by those of his former boss, Bill Clinton. The band wonders how long it will be until Clinton takes his own visiting teaching post here at Columbia. Clinton has already gotten involved with Campus politics, offering to bridge the partisan divide on the issue of Columbia-Barnard swipe access by offering all Barnard students swipe access into his new personal Harlem office. "I was on Mascot.com the other day, checking out the online facebook. Fuck, dude, I had no idea there was such wicked 'poon at the Barnyard, yo!," he commented. The band takes a moment to consider what could happen if Clinton and Gore were Columbia first-years together. We imagine an odd couple Carman-style pairing...
Bill: Hey Al, come on man, I know these two girls on Hartley 4... We could get some beers... Chuck Rangel hooked me up with some really good weed...
Al: Oh, I don't know Bill, I need to read the Aeneid tonight.
Clinton has also managed to one up Gore on the issue of his speaking fee, dwarfing the professor's asking price by setting the bar at $100,000 dollars a pop. The band would like to remind the Journalism School that our asking price is $150,000 dollars, and that a personal check may be delivered to the bearded man with the drum. {Jeff waves} In honor of campus-wide hopes of a forthcoming joint Clinton-Gore lecture, the band now forms a non-credit seminar and plays "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow."
[amorph, play Don't Stop]
Play some more songs, then RUN AWAY! (before the ss cops cap us)
{Historical notes: Big Al was twenty-five minutes late, but that turned out to be a
blessing as a crowd of approximately 300 people formed to listen to us play our repertoire
until he arrived. He waved to us and the crowd and clapped along to Roar (Rupert Murdoch
declined to clap) before entering the J-school building. About 80 stayed for the script. A
very successful ad hoc appearance in the tradition of Barnard fire drills. One can only
imagine what Al thought when "Don't Stop" fired up when he took the lectern...}